Rebekah George Assignment 20 (A Complete Guide to World Domination)

As promised by blog number 19, all future blogs shall relate in some way to world domination, so here it is: A Complete Guide to World Domination.



Foreword:

           

So, you want to conquer your respective planet or moon or whatever? Quite frankly, at World Dom Inc., we’re not all that specific about what world you’ll be dominating. As long as you’ve paid your fees, it’s really whatever. Anyway, if you plan on achieving world domination, you’re in the right place. If your plans were more about stealing all of the pomegranates in the world and moving with them to another galaxy, you are in the wrong place. World Pom Inc. actually publishes that, and we understand how that may be confused with our publication. Now, if you follow our, well, easy-to-follow formula, you’ll achieve world domination in no time (and the things we expect in return for our guidance shall be listed at the end).

Step One: Choices, Choices:



Step one, as indicated by the above title of “Step One: Choices, Choices” is pretty simple. As with the first steps in all big decisions, you’ve got to make up your mind! What do you plan on conquering? How will you keep the…probably enslaved persons of your new empire subservient? How to find the perfect henchmen? The best plan is a completed plan, full of back-up plan after back-up plan. You must expect the unexpected! There are at least a million variables on the playing field, and you have to anticipate three times as many. At any moment, some over-powered super “hero” might get in the way of your brilliant scheme and ruin everything in one, extremely coincidental montage of convenience and prophecies. And we cannot let this stand. If you are on a grudge mission, we suggest you go ahead and do away with whomever you have a grudge against (they’ll probably rise up and defeat you in the end, if you don’t). If your mission is love-based. DON’T DO IT. They WILL NOT love it, I promise. They won’t. Unless your significant other has said specifically “I would love you forever if you conquered the planet and made me the queen or king of the world, please, really, I mean it and I am being completely serious right now. I desire to rule over millions with an iron fist.” this does not end well for you. I suggest flowers instead. The death of millions will not please this person. If your mission is just because, then go for it, you’ve got nothing to lose.

            On Subservience:

We here at World Dom Inc. suggest either some sort of elaborate hypnosis, alien technology that could theoretically make you every person on earth, lots and lots of henchmen with lots and lots of weapons, or a combination of all of those things. On the other hand, if you could make everyone enjoy being enslaved, that is better than the other things. Sentient beings that either don’t know that they are slaves or are 100% cool with it are the best sort of beings to conquer.

            On Henchmen:

Now, with henchmen, it is very important that your henchmen are competent. But, it is also incredibly important that your henchmen are completely, unshakably loyal. You don’t want them to turn on you and give you up, reveal your plan too soon, or shoot you (that would be bad. This is the opposite of what we want). On a scale from the Imperial Stormtroopers to Hazel Evers, you want to be on more of the Ms. Evers side of the scale. The woman was ruthlessly loyal, relatively competent, but also not smarter than James March, who employed her. They need to be smart, but not smarter than is good for them. Honestly, if you’re going for a more gun-y, shoot-y, death-y conquering, you’ll probably want to look at something more like the Toclofane. The little death bots were more loyal than your dog and more lethal too. They were competent, but again, not smarter than you wanted them to be. Perfect weapons of destruction that you could have a real conversation with. If you don’t want a henchman, that’s okay too. A disease of some sort is probably your best shot at achieving your goals.  

            On Revenge:

First, I must ask what idiot made you so upset that the only solution is “take over the planet.” Unless you have a personal vendetta against your entire species, or another species (you may not be taking over your home planet, and that’s okay), this revenge plan is not logical. Revenge plans usually go south anyway (for successful revenge plans see: Lucky Number Slevin). If you’re really that upset about something that someone else did that does not include the entirety of the species, just implement a smaller plan of revenge. World Domination is not the answer to small-scale revenge. World Dom Inc. does not publish any how-to guides on revenge plans. We suggest that you consult The World Hates Me magazine. They are always posting refreshing articles on how to complete the perfect revenge.



Step Two: Implementation of the Plan



Having a solid plan will make this step so much easier. If you are actively setting up what needs to be done for each back-up plan while the real plan is being implemented, then your chances of success are better than 50 percent, probably. I mean, if your plan is stupid to begin with, sorry ‘bout cha; however, if your plan is truly a work of evil genius that will be revered by those who follow in your footsteps for hundreds of years to come, then you are ready to get this domination under way. If you are wondering where your plan is on this scale, please consult the pamphlet Are You the Raving Lunatic or the Evil Mastermind? also published by us here at World Dom Inc. A complimentary copy of the pamphlet is included in this text at the end. You’re welcome.

            COMPLETELY Incapacitate Your Enemies:

Seriously, anyone that hates you in the least bit is going to come back to haunt you. If you killed little Johnny’s goldfish in the third grade accidentally and he swore vengeance against you forever, little Johnny (probably now, big Johnny, unless you are incredibly ambitious) needs to go. Ex-lovers are on that list. Even if they “just wanted to be friends.” They lied. They are dangerous. Take them out (not on a date; we understand that this may be confusing). Personally hating someone that has never done anything to you personally is not fair game. They, most likely, are just irritating in some way, shape, or form. I mean, once you’re on top of the world—quite literally (more in Transportation)—go for it, but don’t make enemies needlessly. The more people that like you, the less work you have to do.

            Henchmen Continued:

The choosing of the henchmen was important, but now that we’re on the actual implementation of your World Domination plan, it is important that you keep these henchmen under control. For example, promise henchmen x (of which you truly don’t hate and isn’t incompetent) a place in your new empire. For the difficult henchmen, make an example of them. There cannot be any questions as to who’s in charge. You’re implementing the plan, and you are in charge. Act like it. Dissent is not tolerated and all of the henchmen should be aware of this. Treat them well, but make sure that they know who is in charge at the end of the day.  

Transportation:

You’ll probably have to go places to accomplish things. If you’re making a death plague, you can have the items you require shipped, which is best for everyone. However, if you’re not paying a mysterious, undefined company headed by a man called “the Provost” to keep you safe from the World Health Organization and other such disgustingly good entities, it is important to get around—and with style. Planes are cool, you should probably have one of those or acquire one as soon as possible. You cannot expect to be a successful or respectable villain in this century without traveling in style. If you’re in a position of power, design something cool and suggest that a government make it for reasons, then steal it when your plan gets underway. Grounded vehicles are restricted to a fleet of suburban with bodyguard dudes with guns. It’s cool, it’s effective, it’s tried and true, trust us. For longer travel, consider the options in available or easy to create things with wings. Spaceships, I don’t know what you’re planning on doing, just make it cool.

Step Three: Duh, Winning

           

            So you’ve won! Yay! I congratulate you on your victory. Do you prefer the title Supreme Hegemon of (insert planet) or Extreme, Super Awesome Ruler of (insert planet) or maybe something simpler? Sir? Master? Doug? I don’t know, figure it out. Anyway, now it’s time to rub it in everyone’s face. Make the world know how awesome and inherently superior that you are. Throw a rad party with all your henchmen buddies and find some hot members of your preferred sexual orientation and get down. You deserve it, really. You’ll have to get underway all the leading and post-world-conquering stuff tomorrow, so enjoy tonight. Just don’t do anything stupid. Make sure all of your enemies have been exterminated, crush dissent, and have a drink. It’s your time to shine. No one can take that away from you. If you’ve gotten to this step, your plan definitely isn’t stupid and you followed all of our instructions to a T. Good job, buddy. Just remember who your friends are when they ask you for help, eh? Don’t forget good old World Dom Inc. Believe me. If you do, you’ll regret it. Capisce? Not to spoil the mood or whatever, but if our deman—requests are ignored, we will find you. So, celebrate! Toast to you! But never forget.  

Our Demands—I Mean—Requests:



So, here we are: you’re in charge of a planet and we helped you get there. You’re probably wondering “what does World Dom Inc. get out of all of this,” eh? Well, destroyer of worlds, we do want stuff and you’ll give it to us. Everything is better in list form, so without further ado, our demands:



A bucket of sloths



A ray gun of some sort



*Dr. Evil Voice* One million dollars



The blood of our enemies (the creator of the duffle bag, the cast of Twilight excluding the ginger, Dr. Phil, the guy that shot Harambee, or the purple Teletubby) take your pick of the lot 



One, lanky Englishman or Scot of our choosing



CAKE (mwhahaha, it’s so, deliciously evil)



One, completed 2,001-piece puzzle of a puppy



A pair of raccoons named Bonnie and Clyde



A broken wheel to the first generation Model T



The heart of a small kid (a baby goat, we’re not that evil)



Tom Hanks



Collector’s edition copies of Space Balls and Disco Worms



A diamond ring



Marry me?



I’m lonely.



No, that wasn’t a thing I want, I’m just saying.



A dog that knows how to skateboard



So, find these things for us or prepare to die. You were successful because you followed our advice, and you OWE us, so do it or face the consequences. Happy conquering!



Are You the Raving Lunatic or the Evil Mastermind?

1.      Do you have a debilitating mental illness that causes you to have hallucinations and/or delusions in general?

2.      Is a hotdog a sandwich?

If you answered “yes” to both of these questions, then you are in fact a raving lunatic. We suggest you see someone about that. If you answered yes to one of these questions, you can still be successful with the firm guidance of an evil mastermind who is a mentor and possibly like a parent to you who dies tragically at some point in the near future. If you answered no to both of these questions, you’re A-Okay. Best of luck, you wacko.

Final Word:



Good luck with your things blah blah blah. Hope you don’t die with your stuff and your world conquering is all rainbows and sunshine. Don’t forget the things we…well, I suppose I’m really the only one here at World Dom Inc. so don’t forget the things I’ve asked for. Bye.